Thursday, February 6, 2014

Happily Ever After? - Debunking the Marriage Myth

Happily Ever After? - Debunking the Marriage Myth

Ephesians 5:21-33
02-02-14

Let me start off this sermon series with a couple of caveats.  First of all, I am not an expert in marriage.  I have been married for 11 years now and I am still learning what it means to be a husband.  This series, once again, will be a lot of me preaching to myself.  Secondly, I have run all sermon illustrations that have to do with my first wife Alycia by her.  As a good husband/preacher I make sure I am saying things that are approved first.  I found it easier to ask for permission instead of forgiveness. Thirdly, I got this sermon series from Rod Stafford thesenior pastor of Fairfax Community Church in Fairfax, VA.  I found it on a website called Open Resources which help ministers tap into quality sermon series and other resources like these great graphics and the video that we showed before I read the scripture.  These are all my sermons, I personally wrote them, but the main ideas came from Pastor Rod and I need to give him the credit as we start off these series.

First of all let me figure out who has been married the longest and the shortest in our congregation.  If you have been married for more than 40 years, if you don’t mind stand up. [go up until only one couple left].  If you have been married for less then 10 years stand up. [go down until  only one couple left]  I wonder what advice {first couple} could give the {second couple} who is just starting off? I bet they could learn a lot from each other.  I hope to have some of that later this month as well, so do keep.  I am sure we can learn a lot from everyone who has made a marriage go beyond 40+ years.  That takes a lot of work.

Today we are talking about marriage myths and there are only three that I am going to highlight today.  There are plenty more but apparently there is a football game later on today that many people would like to see so I cannot go into all of them. 

The first myth that we need to debunk about marriage is that the past is the past.  Many people think that if they can simply get to the altar then there is a fresh start.  If they can get there then they don’t have to worry about anything else.  All that stuff that happened back then we hope that when we say I do doesn’t matter any more.  But that is simply a myth.  Our past is always with us and there is nothing we can do about it.  When two people agree to marry there are only two options that can happen.  They can either choose to ignore it or deal with it. 

For example, (here is when we have the no-chicken winging rule come into play) say the person you are planning on marring has a deep connection with his mother.  They talk daily.  They text.  She still does his laundry and he is 28 and doesn’t live at home.  You, as the soon to be wife, thinks this will all go away when you say I do, but the truth is it won’t.  That baggage that we carry around with us in our singlehood is simply the baggage you carry around in your marriage.  Those mistakes you made in your early 20s, they will don’t go away and your spouse will have to deal with them. 

If a couple is not willing to work through the past then they will not have a future.  The past has to be recognized and dealt with if a marriage is going to work out.  If it is ignored then it will always be there hanging out around our necks.  We have to deal with it. 

People who hope to get married someday.  Pay attention to this right now.  Rod uses this quote in his sermon to describe how people should live in their singlehood in order not to cause a problem in their marriage.  I thought it was worth repeating.  His quote is, “Your present will someday be your past and your past will eventually show up in your future.”  [repeat]  This is a good thing to remember as we start early adulthood.  Are the decisions I am making right now eventually going to effect me and my future spouse?  Do I want to make a different decision now so I won’t have extra baggage to carry later?

The second myth about marriage is people who are married have married problems.  This isn’t true.  There really aren’t problems that are stuck within a marriage.  What is really happening is people with problems keep getting married.  I have only married one couple here and Alycia has been to many of the weddings I have officiated, so only three other people have heard this but it bears repeating.  If someone told you that sharing a house, a car, the bills, the pantry, the bathroom, a bed, toothpaste, and TV remote with one person for the rest of your life was easy, that person was lying.  They lied straight to your face.  They looked you in the eye and fed you a line because it isn’t easy.

We have this idea of happily ever after that has been fed to us since we are children.  If you look at all the major fairy tales when do those fairy tales end, they end with the wedding and riding off into the sunset and we all know that they lived happily ever after.  Sun is starting to set and there goes Snow White and Prince Charming; or Ariel and Prince Eric, or Rapunzel and Eugene. They all ride off and are happily ever after.  But Eugene, aka Flynn Rider, has some problems.  He is an outlaw and has a habit of stealing.  How will that work itself out since he is now a prince?  Prince Charming has a kingdom to reign over, how will Snow White fall in line and help lead her people?  Ariel is only 16 years old when she falls in love with Prince Eric and she is a mermaid.  How will it work for Prince Eric to visit the in-laws on Thanksgiving or will Ariel miss breathing water? 

You see when two people get together and promise to live life together for the rest of their lives, if they have problems, those problems can be magnified in marriage.  These problems aren’t marriage problems, they are people problems.  If you think that eventually you will ‘fix’ him, then don’t get married.  If you think you can ‘fix’ her, then don’t get married.  You really can’t.  Sometimes those problems are too much but we go into a marriage with dreams of happily ever after.  We have to be realistic and realize that problems come with marriage and actually the intensity of this relationship actually leads to magnifying these problems. 

The final myth we will be talking about is marrying the right person.  There is this notion out there that there is this ‘one’ person out there for you.  Your soul mate is out there and if only you can find them.  Mr. Right and Miss Right are out there if you know what you are looking for.  Now there are websites that will connect you with 4000 points of compatibility, helping you find that Mr. Right more often.  If that doesn’t work, you can always go on TV where ABC will give you two dozen people to make out with, I mean, find who you’re compatibility with and then choose one to marry until the divorce special. 

Let me save you some time.  If you are asking yourself, “Did I marry the right person?” let me tell you now, you didn’t.  Everyone in here and all over has married the wrong person.  There is no such thing as the right person.  Mr. Right and Miss Right do not exist.  We are constantly looking for what Jerry McGuire is selling, someone to complete us.   We think if I am only like Tom Hanks then we are sure Meg Ryan will show up.  Or we wait for that perfect pale faced vampire or that millionaire guy who has 50 shades to his personality.  But we will never find him or her because they don’t exist.  It is a complete and utter myth.  It may sell a lot of  movie tickets or books but it isn’t real life.

Here is the thing.  If we look at the book that tells us how we are to live and God’s desires for our lives we learn some things.  We learn first that we are fallen creatures.  Your husband or wife is a fallen creature.  Paul in Romans tells us that we all have sinned and we fall short of the glory of God.  Unless you have married Jesus, the Son of God, then your spouse is not perfect.  He has and will sin.  She has and will sin.  You are doing yourself an injustice if you are waiting for that perfect person to show up because no one is perfect. 

Actually we are asking the wrong question.  Instead of asking ourselves, “Did I marry the right person?”  The question we should be asking is, “Am I becoming the right person?”  This is where the Ephesians text comes in.  If we follow what Ephesians truly says (TRULY SAYS) then we will be on the path of becoming a right person.  Now, this text is one of the most misunderstood, twisted, and manipulated texts in the Bible.  Many people have used this text to say that the husband is in charge of the family, the supreme ruler, the final decider.  If you read through this text quickly you can see how that can happen but it really isn’t true.

I started in verse 21 for a reason.  It says, “submit to each other out of respect for Christ,” and then it gives an example for how wives and husbands can live this mutual submission out of respect for Christ out.  This whole section is hinged on this first verse.  Both husbands and wives submit themselves to each other out of respect for Christ.  Not one or the other, but both.  We need to stop thinking this in our society and realize what this text is truly telling us. 

Paul tells wives, “submit to their husbands as if to the Lord.”  Husbands, before you jump up and point and say “I told you so,” just wait.  How are we to submit to the Lord?  How is it that we are to live in a way that is pleasing to God?  What is interesting is remember the passage we ended the last sermon series on.  That we are to be children of the light?  Well that is in the section of scripture right before this.  Paul is attempting to make clear that if we are to live as followers of Christ it has to appear in every relationship.  Not just how we act at church but also how we act at home.  If we are too truly love our neighbor as ourselves then this is as true with the neighbor across the street as it is the neighbor across the sheets.  We have to be willing to submit ourselves to the type of love that Christ has for us.  If we are going to be image bears of Christ, this will show up in every relationship.  Therefore wives, “submit to your husbands AS IF TO THE LORD.”

This text is actually pretty countercultural for its time.  We cannot ignore the fact that in Biblical times women were seen as property and a lower class.  There are rules in the Old Testament that if a husband dies then the wife is passed on to his brothers.  Like an old shirt, they are simply passed down.  But here Paul is actually bringing a husband and wife up to the same level.  Paul goes on to tell how husband how they are to live in a way that demonstrates God’s love for us and he has to spend twice as many verses telling guys how to do that.  There are only three verses on how wives are supposed to treat husbands, but there are seven verses on husbands. 

Husbands are to “love their wives as Christ loved the church and gave himself for her.”  Husbands tend to stop reading this passage after they learn their wives are supposed to submit to them and that they are the head of the household.  They are like, “yep, and yep, go get me a beer I’m watching the game.”  But is that how Christ loved the church?  Is keeping your woman barefoot and pregnant and waiting on your every whim the way Christ demonstrated his love while here on earth?  NO.  Hear it one more time men, NO.

Christ loved us sacrificially.  He loved us in a way that made him humbly submit himself to torture and death for our sake.  Husbands ask yourself if you are loving your wife that way?  Are you loving your wife in a way that makes her see you humbly give yourself to her?  This is the way we, as husbands are to love our wives. 

The point of this text, not to make us better than one another but to understand that as follower of God we are transform ourselves into the likeness of Christ.  This type of love is found in all relationships, friendship, parenthood, as a child or sibling, and as husband and wife.  We are to love each other as Christ loved the church. 

Marriage is about a choice.  It is made every day.  Each day we wake up we pray that God can give us the strength to love our spouse as Christ loved the church.  We pray to be molded into the type of person that loves like Christ loves.  It is a daily choice to love that person in that way.  It doesn’t just happen but it takes work and more work.  This is fact.  It is not a myth.  This is the way that God calls us to love our spouses, our friends, our children, our family, and our neighbors.  The only way we can go through life and love like this is through lots and lots of prayer.  So I challenge the married couples here to take the prayer challenge.  Pray with each other everyday and ask each other the questions listed.  Then pray for each other and pray to love each other like Christ loves the Church. 

May you grow closer to one another and realize that you are both striving to be the right person, not that you already are.  May God take this relationship and mold it into something that is worthy of his love and truth.  May the love you share with one another, express the love that Christ has for every one of us.


And all God’s people said…Amen. 

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