Thursday, November 12, 2009

The Adventures of Pastor Bob - Ep. 7 - The Letters

After hearing rumors and rumors of rumors, Bob decided to sit down and write a letter to a member who apparently was mad at him and Bob did not know why. These are excerpts from those letters. The name on the letters has been changed to PAP (Passive Aggressive Parishioner).

Dear PAP, We have missed you in church lately and I hope everything is okay. As we go into the Advent season I hope you will join us in worship.

Dear PAP, I have heard through the grapevine that you are angry with me. I usually do not acknowledge rumors but you are very important to the life of the church and we miss your presence. If there is something I have done to make you angry, please let us have lunch and discuss it.

Dear PAP, I can truly sense your frustration and anger towards me. Your silence in responding to my letters is deafening. Plus the gesture you gave me as your exited the church I am sure was not meant to say I was number one in your book. Please let me know how I made you angry. Can we have lunch or grab a coffee or something?

Dear PAP, At our Easter breakfast your niece came up to me and called me a name I cannot even write down on paper. After looking up the meaning of these words in the dictionary I blushed and felt like I had to take a bath. I asked your niece where she learned such things and she said this was your pet name for me. She went on to say that when the family gets together for their weekly meals this is how you refer to me. Please let me know how I made you angry. If lunch or coffee is too much, simply write back and let me know. Drop me an email or even a fax, something so we can start to work to put this behind us.

Dear PAP, Were you ever part of the Special Forces? I know we made eye contact in the grocery store because once I saw you I headed in your direction. My intentions were to come talk with you so we can move past this, but when I got to the isle you were on, you had disappeared. I would really love to know how you were able to pay for all those hotdogs and hamburgers so quickly because when I got to the front of the store (which only took about 30 seconds) you were heading out the door with all your bags.

Dear PAP, I stopped by your house again today. I saw that you had removed your door bell and knocker. I also saw you watching TV in your living room while I was knocking on your door. Please don’t worry, it was a nice summer day and I didn’t mind standing on your porch for those 20 minutes hoping you would come to the door. Was your wife cooking something in the oven, because it smelled great, as I called your name through the open window on your porch.

Dear PAP, That name your niece has called me has somehow stuck and now many of the parishioners are calling me that. They are doing it out of fun but this little beef of ours needs to come to an end. As we start to plan our Advent services I was hoping you would light a candle this year in our Advent Wreath? I know many people would love to see you in worship once again.

Dear PAP, As part of my Lenten discipline this year, it is my goal to write you a letter everyday in hopes we can work towards forgiveness. The wedge that been placed between us has grown too large to ignore and your animosity towards me has started to effect the life of our congregation. For the sake of our church please let’s make a mends and seek reconciliation.

Dear Pastor, On July 8th, 2007 you ignored me and did not shake my hand in the hallway before worship. I found that rude and uncalled for and decided right then that you were a bad match for my church. – PAP

Dear PAP, really, that is it. I didn’t shake your hand. I racked my brain to remember this incident and I do remember it. It was right before worship. I had just gotten out of Sunday School class and had only 5 minutes to put on my microphone and robe before the service started. When I ran into in the hall I said hello but I kept walking because I had to use the restroom. If you remember you were standing right next to the bathroom. When I exited the bathroom you were gone and I haven’t seen you in church since. Really? Is this is all about that moment in life; all the name calling, all the rumors, all the strife, is because in that moment, on my second Sunday at this church. This was all about the fact I had to pee and didn’t shake your hand. I’m sorry. I’m sorry that I didn’t realize the importance of that moment. I was too concentrated on getting the urine out of my system so I could be able to lead us in worship without dancing around like a man possessed. I am sorry that I didn’t realize the fact that I had shook your hand four other times in that first week I was here that this moment was the one to make or break our relationship. The next time you are in church I promise that I will stop everything I am doing and shake your hand. If that means if my wife goes into labor during worship and I am heading out the door, I promise I’ll stop, tell her to wait, because your relationship with Christ and the church all revolves around my shaking your hand. PAP this has gone on long enough. You have a handshake waiting for you and it can be found at church, every Sunday, as I greet you after worship, like every other person who attends worship. I HAD TO BE FOR GOD SAKES!!!!!

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